This is How You Get ANTs

I have ANTs. Not in my kitchen, not in my apartment even, but worse – in my head.

I’ve learnt this is how the voice in the head is called professionally, the Auto Negative Thoughts. I have them, possibly, many women does, or so I want to believe.

I think it’s somehow important to realize there is professional term for that, because then you will think that this is something happening to others, and generally since it’s a thing, it’s not real. ANTs are not real! This is quite a relief, but then… who if not me myself is responsible for them? That is not so good, because maybe it would be more convenient to blame someone for them, but it’s only me. This mean the responsibility is all mine, and it should be mine to stop it. It might be good news, in a way, that I can stop them, but it’s not easy process of reprogramming yourself. I did try that before, saying those optimistic stuff to yourself in the mirror. Never go far with those, mostly because ANTs will bug in and take over.

Found THIS article about types of ANTs, and I must say they’re almost quotations of my own mind:

-          Overgeneralization: It will always end bad! I will never succeed

-          Filtering: I said something bitchy again to my boyfriend because I was stressed, he must hate me know and will probably break up with me in near future.

-          All or nothing thinking: He doesn’t love, he can’t, because he did/didn’t do/said this and that.

-          Personalizing: My boyfriend looks angry, it’s probably because I said something.

-          Catastrophising: I will start this new work and they will realize I have totally no idea how to do it! They will fire me and I will lose my visa and will have to move back to Poland.

-          Emotional Reasoning: I am so fat and ugly, everyone must think so too.

-          Mind reading: I’m sure he cares more about those friends from there, and I’m just for the time he’s here. He probably already plans to leave me when he moves there too.

-          Fortune Telling error: I will surely get even fatter and he will hate me and leave me.

-          Should statements: I shouldn’t overthink things, I should be more patient.

-          Magnification/Minimisation: His mum asked if I still go to gym, it must be so obvious I gained weight.

Those are actual ANTs of mine. They’re not there all the time, that would be unbearable for myself and people around me. But they pop out once in a while and cause little break downs over nothing. The irony is that I am worrying (ANTing) that those break downs caused by them will destroy my relationships with people making the ANTs come true.

Surely, too much free time tends to cause ANTs. I hope my new job will occupy me more and won’t let me have time for this BS. Otherwise, I need to seriously try to start fighting with them, and I hope people around me can be understanding. Usually, the first positive feedback from them (showing care and asking if I’m fine, a friendly “awwww” and hug, etc.) will kill an ANT on the spot, and leave me feel silly and guilty of making drama out of nothing.

Same website propose some ideas to fight ANTs, and I will try to apply those myself too:

1.    Be aware of what you are saying to yourself. Ask yourself: “What is going through my mind?”

2. Challenge your thoughts. Remember, just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s true.

3. Look for evidence.

4. Put thoughts into perspective.

5. What is a more helpful thought?

I’ve decided to come out of the closet with my ANTs, so that maybe someone who reads my blog can feel better about their ANTs, and realize those can be killed.

Virtual Pet Adoption - Get Some Karma!

I really want to adopt one more cat. Not because Oscar is not "enough" but because I feel bad seeing all those homeless kitties, and I feel that even though it might be difficult, especially at the beginning (making 2 cats friends), it would save a life to one more cat.

That is Oscar in his sexy pose

And there's many cats, I know, many many little poor cats that need help. I can't help them all. But it doesn't mean I don't want to try to change it for at least one more.

A week ago I've started sponsoring a cat from Taiwan Animal S.O.S.' sanctuary in Taipei. They have many animals that need sponsorship (https://www.facebook.com/TaiwanAnimalSOS/posts/189605821187397) but I've chose Reese.
She's from Taichung originally, I saw her rescue story on Forumosa.com, her photos with her still in blood after the car accident. She was lucky that the Taichung PAWs guys (or Tuapa?) was passing by and saved her, then she was lucky to be taken to Taipei's Sanctuary where she has place to live till the end of her days, and I hope she will feel happy to have her life ensured by my donations. Here's Reese as for now:

Reese - from Taiwan Animals S.O.S. FB page

So, I still want to adopt... but I know NOW is not a good time. Not for Oscar, nor me and D. But I hope it will change in near future. Meanwhile, I hope I can support Reese.

I'd like to encourage anyone of you to also try find a way to adopt or sponsor an animal... cat, dog, pig, whatever. We made the world difficult to share with other animals, so I think we bear responsibility to help them live in it.

Spring Holidays in Taiwan

Western world is probably getting back from Easter holidays, while the Chinese part of it is starting Qing Ming Holidays 清明節 tomorrow (also called Tomb Sweeping Day, something we do in Poland on the 1st November). Obviously, like most local holidays, it doesn't mean much to me (sorry, I have no childhood memories about it, no tombs to sweep - which I am thankful for!, no I am a Taoist/Buddhist). That is also why I am trying to get over the fact no one cared for Easter in here, and people were asking me why it is called "復活節" (Fu Huo Jie - Revival Holiday), since they have no idea it's about Jesus, and learning that they have felt bunnies and eggs are misleading (I agree!).

 "Karpatka" cake I've made for Easter :) 

My Polish friend's Easter eggs

Celebrating or not, everyone enjoy free time! And that is why I am looking very much forward to this holiday, and quite unusually it is a long weekend holiday! Even my boss decided to give us (the office peeps at least) a day of on Saturday. Heh!

Anyways, that means tonight I am making muffins in my new silicon heart shaped muffin cast, packing myself and Oscar, and the three of us (+ D.) are going north to D's home. Now you know why muffins are required, I continue my "through the stomach to heart" strategy with his family ;) Although it seems they already love Oscar, and that is much in my favor. 

After the first storm about me quitting my job for a new job, now it's all settled and I calmly await the end of May, when the change will actually happen. Oh, I'm pretty sure I will s*it my pants then from stress over new responsibilities. But I think it will be good, I am already loosing myself into e-commerce, SEO and coding articles, undertaking a HTML5+CSS course on codeacademy.com (great site!).

So yet again - life is good! My swing is up!

Shaking Foundations (Literally!)

Pretty literally. We had a 6.1 earthquake not too far, making it 5 points in scale in Taichung/Changhua area. Our office started bouncing suddenly, lights were blinking, after around 10 sec, when it was not stopping we have decided to run out. And I was probably the first one on the stairs. Even when it stopped my legs were still shaking. Not fun. D.'s company evacuated for over an hour to make sure everything is safe. My old university made it to the news with the video of super shaky, books-falling library (and the made afternoon off on the campus too).

At my place... we were ok. One bathroom shelf collapsed, my eye shadows fell and broke (damn), and we have a few new wall cracks now (we had some from old earthquakes... but those are very clear, though shouldn't be a danger really).

It had shaken everyone, made us remember about our mortality and that nothing is ever sure.
Everyone remembered the 921 earthquake that had place in Taichung in 1999, killed over 2000 people.
Taichung is generally very calm city, and doesn't have much shaking... but the 921 proved even here it can happen. Well, the good thing is that usually there are long periods of calmness between such monstrous quakes. So we should have it easy for at least another 10 years. I hope.

Other than that, spring in Taichung is beautiful and comfortable.

 

As for other shaking foundations, metaphorically, my job change is confirmed with both companies now. I will stay in current work till the end of May, and start in the new one on 3rd June.
I am scared but also excited, and trying to catch up on e-commerce trends in the market and trying to learn some website coding languages (started with refreshing html :). Codeacademy.com is trully awesome place for self-learning.

Happy Easter to everyone too!

Hello 2013, What Will You Bring?

Happy New Year. Though it already seems old J Well not too old, but its beginning is busy at work, so I don’t have much time for big new year’s reflections and resolutions.

Most of them is old too, the new ones I are not really dependent on me only, and as I wrote in last note – they are pretty mature and standard for a woman that is heading into my 30s.

I must say I am recently catching myself with the little nervous voice in my head saying “30 years old… SOON”. It’s worrying me only because I feel like I might be wasting time in my life on thing that I don’t like and that overall don’t matter. I am not really panicking. Or I am in denial. Don’t know.

All in all, time just flows. No big difference between 2012 and 2013 so far. I will be going to Poland soon, then I will be waiting for spring, that I really, really miss, because it’s cooooold (and it will most likely be like that till April). Then… who knows. By then my handsome boyfriend will probably start working full-time, maybe we would even move to a new apartment, maybe I will succeed in changing jobs, maybe. Maybe not. So in a way, I am expecting some big changes from 2013. But I did expect the career change, I was SURE it would happen, also at the beginning of 2012. Well, it didn't happen, so I am worried, but at least I need to keep trying.

In a way I am content more or less now, just tired with the work, just wishing to for more family warmth. But even here and now, I have those moments from time to time. 

Fireworks above NCHU, the New Year's Eve 2006/2007

Ho ho ho

I just can’t believe it’s the end of the year already. Each year speeds up, and since 2012 was already pretty quick, I am worried how my time will pass me by later on.

I am starting to feel mortal. I am starting to feel that there might be no time for certain things if I won’t hurry up and get them. And though I am starting to slowly feeling this ticking, I am aware not everyone around me do, so I should not push it on them. Making some decisions based on „I will be too old soon” argument is not acceptable (to them at least). Memento morum is getting me, maybe because of the death of my classmate, very likely. It’s never the right time though to take action, and so I am waiting and waiting for this right time to come, wishing it will make those little life dreams come true. They’re not any special dreams really, and yet they might get very difficult.

Anyway, the workers company trip was quite ok, just the Karaoke in bus was painful on my head. Christmas then…

Oh, Christmas was good! I cooked a lot (cookies, tomato soup, cake, fish stew), I had good time in church, good time watching Christmas movies with D. and awesome Polish Christmas Eve’s Dinner with my Polish friends in Taichung. I got great books from D. too! Including the Game of Thrones cookbook! I must say, just to be with D. and other people I care for – it was one of best in my life. Too bad I was working during Christmas though :/

 

Darth Vader and Pirate Santa

Me, moderately fast on a go-cart

Winter Has Come

Winter is here. I am wearing sweaters, UGG shoes and my mountain style jacket and I still feel cold while driving a scooter. Welcome winter, please don't overstay.

During the days I am sleepy and lazy, my brain not especially active for multi-tasking. I am counting hours that are between me and my cozy home, with my cat and boyfriend. Home is such a comfy, nice place now, I could just stay there till spring.

Oscar, our cat tried to give us heart attacks yesterday though... little escapist cat Houdini silver ninja. Thanks God, we've found him after 8 hours, at 11 PM 2 floors above our apartment. If cat is so stressful, I can't imagine how it is to have kids.

I must say, I don't like winter in Taiwan. I like it quite a lot in Poland... I like all seasons in Poland for the first month, then I am getting bored and waiting for the change. In here though... there's nothing nice  in winter but the one week off for Chinese New Year, that I will spend in Poland anyway. Spring... I miss you.